I’ve been on a more spiritual journey for a while now – getting into yoga, meditation, ecstatic dance, astrology and getting closer to a group of inspiring, spiritual people.
The past three years (or more) have been defined by massive preoccupation with the outer, physical body, gender and ego and the next curve in my journey of transformation, is reducing my attachment to those identifications. The past six months have been defined by inner transformation, during which I peeled back layers upon layers of subconscious motivations, limiting value systems, and attachment to my identity, to reveal a more soul level existence. Below I delve into this introspection on an emotional level:
I feel naked- my soul is naked, bare- reinvented for all the world to see, tiny expanding cracks that make ripples of uncomfortable change- vibrations through the rest of my body. I’ve been turned inside out and the parts of me I hid from the world- subconscious and ineffective behavior patterns, every emotion that I directed outward that had tiny strings attached to the deepest inner workings of the soul, are now pushed under a glaring spotlight- ironically, my spotlight, the one I pretended to dance under, like everything was ‘fine’ as the person they wanted to see. Now my ego crumbles in slow motion.
City of me pulverized by quaking earth. My whole body quakes. Cloaked in vulnerability. Pull the sash and unravel further, my rubble.
Pieces of skin and its shell, sloughing off and all I see is my skeleton now. Going deep inside myself, traveling, traveling, and the air is getting thinner and must remember to just breathe. I don’t know who I am anymore but maybe I never did- maybe we aren’t so tangible or definable as to “be known”. I’m tripping over the tiniest stones in that means-to-an -end. I’m missing them, the sparkling ones that would have reflected back to me what I truly look like and the dull, jagged ones that would have made me look even harder. Maybe I don’t want to find the boundaries of what separates me from everything else because it’s a misleading construction.
I’m facing myself and I feel alive. And it’s OK that I feel infinite emotion.
Detach myself from labels.
Decipher the person from the persona.
Let go of the person to feel energy as a part of others.
Connection to everything around me.
So raw, I perceive this world with x-ray vision into the consciousness of humanity.
Underneath these false structures that kept us categorized, competing, contrasted, belief systems are decomposing.
I see embarrassing facades – false concrete upon which society felt secure in kidding themselves. Superficial connections, insecurity, and comfort zones have dissolved and I’m balancing on only one toe but learning to feel every cell grounded in the earth. World, I won’t protect you anymore, at least not by weaving you a false safety net. I’m giving myself fully to you –and in raw, unrefined form, embracing spirituality with trembling feelings, I invite you to walk, not behind me, not in front of me, but beside me…
As a transgender person, I am grateful for these opportunities to examine the existence of my inner and outer body- all the superficial characteristics that make up sex and gender – facial hair, hips, genitalia, muscles and body shape, but now, it is time to examine where my soul is going – the soul that has no sex and no gender. I am just energy; we are all energy and all this energy is connected.
I will continue to post writing from the past few years because I believe it could help others in all phases of their journey. By no means, am I invalidating the transgender existence by rendering the physical body or gender irrelevant; rather, I believe that connecting to a higher version of ourselves (beyond the physical body) can enable us to be more content in any stage of the transgender journey despite perceived physical limitations.
I want to change the collective consciousness. Here in the west, we define, validate and value ourselves in terms of how we look on the outside as opposed to contemplating the spirit or the soul. We are obsessed with a maligned materialistic view which emphasizes the differences between things – humans are separate and therefore unequal to animals; humans are separate and therefore unequal to nature; “male” is separate and therefore unequal to “female”. Here, differences are the defining factor and as a transgender person, thus far, my entire existence has revolved around these limiting views – I am either male or female or somewhere in between (but still a definable point on a spectrum as if male/female energy are even tangible); I either “pass” as the correct gender, or I don’t; my body does or does not conform to stereotypical “male” characteristics; trans people are different and separate from non-trans people; my genitalia makes me one of only two sexes – male or female; my ego expects people to reinforce how I see myself and that is how I validate myself. Alienation is the result.
When we follow outward appearances back to the source, we see that everything is connected and born from the same consciousness. If we can veer our sense of identity away from the ego which perceives itself as separate from the soul that sees only unity, we can exist with less suffering (which is the natural order of the universe) and realize that we are inherently enough just as we are in this moment.